Clarity
by Snake Tamer
Summary: Remus slash Sirius. Remus loves Sirius but is afraid of ruining their friendship... but does Sirius feel the same way? [by Siana]
1. Make A Wish

_I was lost and frustrated. I would feel restless and walk to nowhere: looking for something I could never find by wandering, striving for a destination I knew I could never reach. And when I was with her, I felt like she was just an excuse for a wrongdoing I hadn't yet been asked about. I appeared content and lovesick, but that was just a lie. When we were lying outside among the lush grass, our palms tentatively kissing, her pure hands seemed like rose petals lying in the mud. The sky above us was dark and secretive, specked with crystalline tears. As one fell, she spoke. Make a wish, she said, and I felt so empty that all I could wish for was clarity._

_

* * *

_

"Hey Prongs, where'd Moony go?"

"Wow, do I look like his social adviser?" Receiving an insolent glare from Sirius, James added, "Just check the Map if it matters that much to you. Don't know why you care so much, mate. He's probably getting in some early studying time for his N.E.W.T.'s or something."

"Or with Madame Lianha!" cried Peter in delight, referring to the old witch who worked in the infirmary who had given Remus a very THOROUGH examination in the second year, much to his embarrassment and his friends' delight. The joke that she was romantically involved with Moony, however, had been funny for about a month. Peter grinned rather smugly, pleased with his most excellent sense of humor.

Sirius rolled his eyes and flicked his wand lazily, and the Marauder's Map drifted into his hand from the boys' dormitory.

At that exact moment, Lily Evans stormed through the entrance to the common room, completely soaked.

"Which one of you assholes flushed a Wet-Start Firework down the toilet in the girls' bathroom in the North Tower?" She sounded absolutely furious; her almond-shaped green eyes seemed to be emanating pure rage. The common room fell completely silent.

"That was supposed to go off when the bathroom was vacant!" James hissed. "Moony screwed up the spell somehow-" He interrupted himself and leapt out of his chair, rumpling his hair habitually as he ran to greet her. "Wow, love, I hope we can catch that, erm, trouble-making hooligan and reprimand them for their actions, which were, by the way, completely irresponsible and not humorous at all-" His voice trailed off as he followed Lily to the chair in front of the fireplace, talking animatedly.

"That's funny, 'cause he really did it," Peter said in attempt to break the silence, but Sirius wasn't listening.

"He's outside," he murmured. "with Siana Gryffin. What a- wow. He's fucking stupid." Sirius' voice was starting to raise with agitation.

"Where is he?" Peter glanced eagerly at the map.

"In the courtyard next to the West Corridor." His voice dripping with sarcasm, Sirius added, "Probably watching the stars or something."

* * *

_Clarity, I wished as the star faded beneath the horizon line. And it that moment it came to me._


	2. Tainted Love

_I wasn't happy with her because I didn't love her, I realized, watching the star trail faintly across the sky. That star was my feeling for her; it was my so-called love. It was small and insignificant and weak: beautiful only because it was rare, wonderful only because it was fleeting. And in its dying splendor we found bliss, followed by darkness and confusion, just like the barren inky blanket of the sky._

_

* * *

_

Sirius' eyes were far more magical than anything a spell could weave, more enchanting than even the most advanced charm. They were amber pools, rimmed with deep gold and set below heavy dark lashes, and they contrasted strikingly with his delicate, aristocratic cheekbones. For this very reason, Remus found it hard to acknowledge his friend's anger; he was drawn into his eyes and he couldn't bring himself to focus on anything else. When he was angry, Remus noticed, they seemed to dance with passion like light rippling under water. When he smiled, they rivaled the sun itself. However, Sirius was far from smiling at the moment and Remus knew he had to calm him down.

"I know, I know. We were planning on completing the Map last night. Yes – God damn it Sirius, I understand!"

"I'm just saying, it was a really irresponsible thing to do. You could have gotten into serious trouble!" Sirius said indignantly.

Remus glanced at him, an inquisitive look in his eyes. A wry smile couldn't stop itself from unfolding on his face; Sirius noticed it and struggled not to smile himself. Finally, laughter broke through the barrier of his lips.

"Okay, fine," he admitted. "I've just been waiting for a chance to call you irresponsible for a change since, like, third year." With this comment, the angry tension between the two melted.

Remus nodded slowly, glad Sirius wasn't really mad.

Sirius added carefully, "I hope you were having, erm, _fun_ with her though."

"Actually, we broke up," Remus said offhandedly.

"What?" his friend was shocked into silence; his eyes widened and he opened his mouth, then closed it rather quickly. Finally, he regained his voice. "Why?" he asked, his voice full of doubt.

Remus shrugged. "I don't know. I just, kind of realized that I didn't love her after all."

Sirius looked at him like he was the most stupid creature to ever crawl out of the womb. "You didn't love her? Okay, um, that's fine. But that doesn't mean you have to break up! She was _hot_!"

"Some things are more important than physical appearance, you shallow prat."

"Yeah, but only like two." Seeing Lupin's expression, he hastily added, "Wow, just kidding. I understand, it's just… strange."

Lupin nodded again. _He's really withdrawn for some reason_, Sirius noted. _I mean, more than usual._ "Anything wrong, mate?"

"No… just thinking."

* * *

_The sun set, blanketing the world in a faint golden glow. I watched clouds drift aimlessly through the sky, pale silver mists casting the world in shadow, and understood that the most beautiful things are those that bring darkness with them. As I gazed out upon the grounds, lost in thought, the branches of a shadowy willow tree became Sirius' feathery dark hair and the pink of the sky turned into his full lips. _

_It was then that I had the most tragic yet fulfilling realization of my life: I loved him. I loved everything about him. It was remarkable and mysterious how I hadn't recognized this before: how could I not have realized my heart fluttered every time he smiled? How could I not have known, when I felt part of myself weep every time he shrugged and smiled after telling a joke? When sadness settled over me like a stifling cloak every few weeks, how could I not have recognized it was because I knew that I would never have him, never be able to even admit my feelings? It was shameful, I knew, to love him, and he would never be able to accept me as a friend when I needed him for so much more. I felt a pang of loneliness as I realized that James and Peter would also be unnerved and perhaps disgusted by my tainted love. Love tainted by friendship, friendship tainted by love. I would never be able to tell him._

_Glancing out the window again, I felt the same emptiness that gripped me last night. However, knowing the explanation for my desolation was far worse than my former naïve and unknowing state. Knowing you want something that you can attempt to attain and doing nothing is a shameful and deeply upsetting condition, and it was how I would have to live my life until I died, I was sure of that._

_I watched, transfixed, as a shooting star arced gracefully across the sky. Despite my emptiness, this time I knew exactly what I wished for._


	3. The Game

The Hogwarts students were gathered at the Quidditch pitch, bundled in excessive amounts of their house colors to stave off the frigid air, their silvery breath clouding in front of them. Excitement hung in the air – thick, almost tangible, for the match today would determine the outcome of the Quidditch Cup; if Ravenclaw lost by more than 100 points, Gryffindor had won.

Remus gazed at the field, his eyes slightly glazed. His attention was not on the game. He could feel the heat radiating from Sirius' muscular form next to him. Sirius shifted slightly; his thigh was now pressed firmly against Remus'. Remus swallowed nervously. He could feel his companion's pulse throbbing slightly out of rhythm with his own. He wondered faintly if, in the heat of love, their pulses would find each other and beat in sync. He blushed furiously, for he could feel heat rising from his groin with a tingling sensation and beginning to spread across his body. He could feel the pain rotting away at the base of his heart, festering slowly, simmering in its own patheticness. Unannounced love was too slow and too unsure to create heartbreak; it simply made the heart rot slowly.

Forsaking all attempts to pretend he cared about the game, his eyes found Sirius' lips. They were full and soft and velvety. They would taste like rose petals and bring him almost unbearable ecstasy with gentle words and hard kisses.

Suddenly, his entire attention was focused on the two Seekers rocketing through the air, green and blue shining profanely against the subdued gray sky. It was then that Remus understood, for in his hopelessness he always created games on which the future hung: he could have Sirius' love if and only if the Ravenclaw seeker caught the Snitch. His breath stopped in his throat; all fell silent in his world save for the rapid hum of the Snitch in flight. The Ravenclaw Seeker's nails scraped the bottom of the golden orb. His fingers closed on nothing and two perfect flecks of gold paint fell, miniature suns barely shining against the angry sky. The Slytherin closed her hand on victory and pulled her broom higher into the air, her curly black hair flying wildly about her. Her crimson lips were curled in a wicked imitation of joy, white fangs bared, inky eyes glittering. The golden wings of the Snitch flapped feebly, struggling against her possessive grip.

The Gryffindors were on their feet, laughing and cheering and roaring; they had won.

Remus rose slowly to his feet, his mind blank and numb. He had lost.

**Author's Note:** Ahh, this chapter was really short. But don't worry my little slash fiends, the next one will be longer. By a little. My attention span really doesn't do long chapters.

Kay anyways, _**PLEASE REVIEW**_ unless it's one of those "theyre gay? ew. you sick beast." ones. I don't listen to those; it's gonna take more than that to reverse my sick beastie livelihood.

Thanks for reading )


	4. The Silent Earth

Remus sat silently in the corner of the Common Room, despair permeating through his body as if a thick fog had settled on him. A huge celebration was unfolding around him, but he was oblivious to it; his entire attention was focused on Sirius and the beautiful girl laughing next to him. A thick blue-black veil of hair cascaded down her back, and she had large, upturned eyes that were a piercing light blue. Her face was delicate, with a slightly upturned freckled nose and thin, high cheekbones. Her movements were languid and slow, as though she was under water, and her skin radiated eternal moonlight. Remus felt hideous and ungainly just looking at her.

The girl bit her lower lip and glanced sideways at Sirius, then said something and grinned slyly; the words seemed to trickle slowly over her lips. Sirius laughed. His hand was now on the small of her back, and they were so close that Sirius' breath was making the wisps of hair around her forehead tremble. Remus drank Firewhiskey straight from the bottle, his hand clutching the neck so tightly that his knuckles gleamed white. It burned on the way down, but it was nothing compared to the jealousy pounding through his veins like fire. He quickly rose from the armchair he had been sprawled over and hurried stiffly up the steps to the dormitory, pointedly not looking in Sirius' direction.

After a few minutes of lying on his bed, gazing blankly at the canopy, the door swung open and Sirius staggered in.

"Moony!" he called and collapsed on Remus' bed.

"Why aren't you at the party?" Lupin asked softly.

"She wass pretty, washn't she?" Sirius slurred. He was thoroughly drunk.

"Yeah."

"Funny, too," Sirius added, nodding delightedly.

"Sounds like you were enjoying yourself," said Remus carefully. A silence fell in between them for a few minutes, in which Remus nervously noticed Sirius lying against him, sweaty and inebriated, in his own bed and Sirius giggled drunkenly.

"You're a good friend, Moony," Sirius said finally. "Shuch a good friend. I wanna – heehee – I wantsta give you a kiss."

Remus gave him a questioning look, which he didn't notice.

Suddenly, he was on top of Remus, pinning him down onto the bed. He long legs were wrapped around his friend's hips, his knees creating depressions in the mattress. He gently lowered his face until it was just above Lupin's. Lupin grinned sublimely, feeling Sirius' breath mingle with his own. Then Sirius slid his tongue into Remus' mouth.

Confused but elated, Remus kissed him back. He felt as though he entire body was filled with pure white light, obscuring everything in the world but him and his love.

Sirius' lips moved confidently but very sloppily; his breath tasted of stale alcohol with undertones of mint. As Remus tangled his hands in Sirius' long hair and Sirius traced patterns on his chest, Remus had no difficulty believing that this love was real and that it would last far beyond his final breath. His long fingers found their the buttons of Sirius' pants, and Sirius did not protest.

Outside, the night was deep and thick, completely still.

The silent earth did not recognize Remus' bliss, nor did it hear the lovers' ragged gasps. Night continued on as two friends became closer than they had ever been before. The inconstant moon hid her face behind a passing cloud and choked in its stifling gray form.

Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked.


	5. Snowflakes on a Watery Golden Sky

Sirius woke up to a bright beam of morning light falling on his face; transfixed, he watched the sun's atomies swirl through the light gracefully like miniscule snowflakes against a watery golden sky. It dawn: the pale, gentle colors too delicate to withstand the harsh blows of daybreak spread lazily across the land.

It was only when a muffled groan from Remus jarred him from his daydream that he woke fully up and felt his hangover with the a jolting force. Seconds later, he realized that he was naked and in Remus' bed. His hand flew to his mouth.

"Shit," he muttered, as he closed his eyes tightly and tried to remember what had happened the previous night. Flashes sped through his mind: the taste of Lupin's mouth, nails digging into his back, clumsy, leaden fingers fumbling to unbutton his shirt… and then the entire experience crashed into his mind like a giant wave breaking. "Oh God, oh God." He shook his friend lightly, touching him awkwardly with only the tips of his fingers. "Moony? Moony?" It was hard to release the words from his throat, and every time he spoke, his head rang painfully.

"Mhmm?" Lupin slowly turned over in the bed and faced Sirius. He casually chewed the cuticle of his index finger and studied the other boy's face.

"About last night – did we really –?"

Remus raised his head slowly, his eyes puffy from sleep. "We did." Sirius couldn't read the tone of his voice; he almost sounded happy about it… but that couldn't be.

The two regarded each other in silence for a moment. Sirius' eyes skipped all over Remus' face rapidly, but the werewolf's gaze was steady and penetrating. Finally Sirius let out a short bark of laughter, then shook his head. "Of all the things we've done when we were drunk, this is the most interesting by far."

"Interesting how?" Remus' tone of voice was conversational, but it was laced with coldness.

"Embarrassing."

Remus said nothing.

"But it's best to broaden your horizons, isn't it, mate? Even if it _does_ mean doing a guy."

Remus nodded stiffly. He seemed upset.

"What's wrong, Moony? That wasn't your virginity, was it?"

Remus shook his head.

"Ah, that's a relief. Oh, Moons, don't be like that… c'mon. We were _drunk_. We weren't in control of the situation. There's no need to be ashamed. Kay, I'm gonna – erm, get dressed then…"

Remus lay in his bed silently, immobile and staring straight ahead blankly as Sirius stepped into a pair of boxers and climbed into his own bed.

Another silence fell, blanketing the room. After a minute or so, Sirius laughed again. "I still can't believe we fucked, that is just the most awkward – Hey, you okay, Moony?"

Remus nodded.

* * *

**Author's Note:** That's the end. I didn't originally intend for it to end like this, but I like the way it turned out. It makes me sad too, so don't throw rocks at my house. Please. )

I might do an epilogue from Remus' point of view if someone convinces me it'll work 'cause I'm not that sure about it yet.


End file.
